For me, as a woman who has recently started having the occasional sexual encounter again as a part of a journey into a non-monogamous relationship , the use of condoms is non-negotiable. I was a little naive initially. as I assumed that anyone having sex outside of a committed and monogamous relationship would use a condom without question. Sadly, I have found that is not the case and I am frequently surprised at the amount of men I talk to through various websites and social media that think using a condom is unimportant.
I wrote a blog post a while ago about the man who decided he was going to try and have sex with me without a condom. I made the assumption that he would have some condoms and would use one automatically, but I had some in my bag, just in case . He did have some in his bedside drawer, but he had decided, without asking me, that they weren’t necessary. I was annoyed with him, but put it down to over-excitement and nerves on his part. However, on the next occasion, he tried again to penetrate me without a condom, knowing I had not consented previously. I was furious, gave him a lecture on safe sex and that was the end of that friendship. He has a 14 year old son and i sincerely hope that he has been educated to treat women with more respect. The full post is here if anyone wants to read more.
With the next man I met, I raised the issue of using condoms well beforehand, but was astounded to hear him say that he didn’t object, but if the friendship lasted, then perhaps we could dispense with the use of condoms in the future. This is a man who had fanciful ideas of more than one friend with benefits.
Other priceless comments have included:
‘I suppose we’ll have to use condoms….’
‘I don’t like wearing condoms, it spoils my enjoyment’.
‘I knew she was ok, as she told me that she hadn’t had sex with anyone in the last few years’
‘Will we have to use condoms?’
I recall an incident back in my early twenties, when I had a short-term relationship with a man of 35. He was a local businessman and quite arrogant. His behaviour on being asked to wear a condom was tantamount to a toddler’s tantrum. After complaining bitterly about it, he reluctantly agreed and then spent the rest of that evening sulking and saying he hadn’t felt a thing due to the condom.
I really don’t understand why some people are prepared to risk not only their own health, but the health of their partners too. The usual argument is that it reduces the sensation. If that is the case, surely that’s better than potentially catching or passing on an STI that could have devastating consequences for you and others.
I realise that no method is 100% safe, and I have had experienced a couple of occasions, back in my twenties when condoms came off. This meant a trip to the local A&E to try and get the morning after pill. On another occasion, one vanished and slipped out several hours later.
I have had sex, without condoms, with a few partners pre-marriage. These were committed relationships and I was taking the pill at the time. Sex is fantastic when you don’t have to think about condoms and can act spontaneously. However, in the world of more casual encounters and multiple partners, I don’t see how not using condoms can ever be right. And I will not be changing my principles to accommodate sulky men.
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